Welcome to Funny Marriage Advice!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’ The girl said, ‘NO!’ And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted

That’s our advice. The End.  Just Kidding

If you’re irritated by your partner, imagine him as a small child. We know! You totally don’t want to try this! It sounds awful! (And maybe even not that much of a stretch.) But trust us—this is an amazing way to see him from a fresh angle. Here’s what to do: While your partner is puttering around and looking idle, imagine him at age five. Awww. Isn’t he adorable? And so smart! It’s easy to forget how appealing your spouse is when you are looking at him through a prism of all the chores that he has yet to accomplish (fixing the vacuum, booking the lawn service…we could go on).  And men, this works on women too.  Imagine your little 6 year old starting to boss you around. How cute she is trying to tell you what to do!

We hope you stay awhile and enjoy our website. This site includes blogs, tips, quotes, products, ebooks, & videos, books and much more! No matter if you are single, thinking about getting married or have been married for years, you will get some great laughs from this fun website! I believe that humor is the key to making a relationship work. Humor keeps the significance out of day to day issues. Couples who can play and laugh together, usually end up staying together!  Check back weekly for new funny blogs!

                  Men, if you want to check out this funny ebook on how to Train your Wife and turn her into your best friend, click here!

 Men, Learn how to Stay Out of the Dog House!!  Hilarious!

Another great video.  Listen to Tim Hawkins sing “The Wife Song”-  If you are a man who wants to live a long and happy life, these are the things NOT to say to your wife. This video is hilarious!

Funny Marriage Advice Tips

Marriage Tips for Men and Women

  • Always Speak Directly to Your Spouse Don’t try to send your spouse a message by having fake conversations with your children or dogs and pretending he or she isn’t in the room (i.e. We wouldn’t have been late if mom hadn’t taken that phone call, etc.). 
  • Don’t Live in the Past Don’t compliment your wife for how she used to look in outfits that no longer fit. Tell your wife she looks great in the moment. 
  • Never Tell Your Spouse That Looks Don’t Matter While it’s a nice thought, saying that looks don’t matter implies that don’t have very high standards and that you would marry anyone. You want your spouse to feel attractive and desirable. You have high standards and he or she is worthy of them. 
  • Go to Bed Angry It’s better to go to bed angry than stay up all night fighting – you’ll need your rest in order to win the fight tomorrow. 
  • Always Wear Your Wedding Ring Spouses who take them off will never win another argument again. That just may be your last argument. 

Funny Marriage Advice For Husbands 

  •  Don’t Expect Dinner to be Made DO NOT come home and ask your wife “What’s for dinner?” Implying that she’s responsible for dinner will surely anger her. This isn’t the 1950s. Both sexes are capable of preparing a meal. 
  • Don’t Laugh When Your Kids Call Your Wife Fat Kids can say mean things and sometimes it’s hard not to laugh. However, laughter will only encourage them to do it again, and chances are your wife won’t find it as funny as the rest of you do. 
  • Dads Are Not Babysitters If you’re spending time with the kids while your wife is out, do not refer to it as babysitting – not unless you want to piss off your wife. Just because she gave birth to them, it doesn’t mean that she claims sole responsibility of their care. 
  • Don’t Have Breakfast Together Few people are at their best in the morning. Stay out of each other’s way and avoid confrontation in the morning by not eating breakfast together. If you don’t have kids and can sleep in on a Sunday, then having breakfast together would be a treat.
  • The Thought Doesn’t Count Don’t tell your wife about the gift you almost got her. Although it’s nice to know that your spouse was thinking of you, it’s nicer to know that he thought of you and brought you a present. 
  • Women Lie When your wife says, “I won’t be mad” she’s lying. When she says, “You don’t have to ask permission to go out with your friends” she’s lying. When she says, “Bald men are sexy” she’s lying. When she says, “I want you to be honest with me – do I look fat in this?” she’s lying. 

Funny Marriage Advice For Wives 

  • Smile and Nod When your husband needs to bare his soul, let him. Even if you have absolutely no interest in what he’s saying, at least pretend to listen. After all, women often try to convince men to be more communicative. So let him complain. Allow your eyes to glaze over and daydream about something else. It’s a safe bet he’ll never notice. 
  • Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff If you insist on putting your foot down about everything, you’re bound to get exhausted. Instead, let the small stuff slide and save the big fights for important stuff, such as finances, children and picking the movie. 
  • If You Want Something, Feed Him When men are hungry, they get cranky and irritable. A hungry husband is less likely to agree to any requests or demands. If you need to discuss something serious, or if you want him to do something for you, check his appetite first. 
  • Help Him Improve Himself If your husband is a hunter or fisher and brings home some sort of trophy, say, “I thought it would be bigger.” It will encourage him to try harder next time. 
  • Correct His Driving How will your husband know he’s going too fast unless you continuously slam the imaginary brakes on the passenger side of the car? 
  • Play the Damsel in Distress to Get What You Want When you need an unpleasant job done around the house don’t ask your husband to do it. Instead, attempt the job yourself, do it badly and let him show you the “right” way to do it. He gets to be the hero, and you get to go relax.

Funny Marriage Quotes! 

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Anon

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” – Groucho Marx

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly

“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.” – Hemant Joshi

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henny Youngman

“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” – Raymond Hull

“Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.” – Anon

“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” – Evelyn Hendrickson

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Joyce Brothers

“For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.” – Bill Cosby

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.” – H L Mencken

“Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.” – Anon

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.” – Cass Daley

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” – James Holt McGavran

“Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.” – Bettina Arndt

“Marriage is like a game of cards. Starts with two hearts and a diamond and ends with clubs and a spade.” – Anon

“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” – G K Chesterton

“Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.” – Anon

“Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.” – Alan King

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” – Max Kauffmann

“Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.” – George Lichtenberg

“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx

“I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” – Marie Corelli

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman

“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

“All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.” – Lord Byron

For funny marriage jokes, click here.

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  • priya

    Reply Reply November 2, 2014

    Nice post…..

  • Hasib

    Reply Reply March 6, 2015

    Hi admin,
    your post “Couple Love Quotes” is are very special for us.I think marriage quotes are very special for everybody life. It’s encourage to work everybody. I have collected many quotes from you. So thanks a lot for doing this job.

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